


Trembling Hands

by twentytimesmore



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Angst and Smut, Canon Divergence, F/M, Freeform, Head Cannon, POV Commander Shepard, Renegade - Freeform, Renegade Commander Shepard, Shakarian - Freeform, Slow Build, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-12-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 03:23:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twentytimesmore/pseuds/twentytimesmore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After waking up from the Lazarus Project Mira Shepards forgotten memories come to life, she starts remembering everything she once suppressed from her life back on Earth as a child. At the same time, Garrus Vakarian joins the team again and the crush Shepard had on him before taking Saren down, deepens. Shepard soon realizes the infatuation is one-sided but her stubbornness won't allow her to give up. </p><p> </p><p>This story takes place during the events of Mass Effect 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Whatever Necessary

 

She had been waiting for this for two years. Mira Shepard looked down at her hands and saw that they were shaking. She had just come back to the SR2 after a recruitment mission. And it turned out that the person she was recruiting was Garrus Vakarian, also called Archangel. They had known each other for years, he helped her take down Saren. Ever since Shepard laid eyed on Garrus in the Citadel Tower, almost two and a half years ago, she knew that he would be hers. The only problem was that he always seemed so cold towards her, always saying ”Yes Ma'm” and he never tried speaking with her without being spoken to first. She lifted her gaze towards her bed, which she had a perfect view of sitting at her desk in her private quarters. She lost her self in thoughts once more. She couldn't understand why he didn't seem to want her. Everyone, men and women, wanted her. Ever since she could remember running around the streets of New York, living on the street in clothes that were too big, shoes with holes in them and dirt under her finger nails, people still desired her.

One her last mission two people of her crew said (and told the others on the SR1) that they wanted her, she had turned them both down since the only one she could ever think of was Garrus. Still, when she thought of Garrus then and Garrus now, they seemed to be complete opposites. Two years ago, when he first joined the crew he seemed timid and although a skilled technician and sniper, he seemed to be a wallflower, wishing no one would pay him any attention. Sometimes he even started to fiercely tap his finger on the MAKO while they were speaking. He came off as a highly nervous Turian. Now, when she caught up with him on Omega and he revealed himself as Archangel, the vigilante she was to recruit, he was so laid back and so relaxed. He had been leaning against some crates waiting for her to come up the stairs and through the door. She remembers it vividly.

_“Damn door!” she hissed as she failed to bypass it yet again._

_She used to be able to bypass a door in her sleep but now she couldn't keep her fingers steady because of all the bullets flying over her head. Zaeed and Miranda were trying their best to keep the pressure off her while she bypassed the door so they could get to safety, and to Archangel. She pulled out her SMG and turned to Miranda_

_“Miranda, bypass that damn door, my fingers won't cooperate with the damn thing! I'll keep the pressure off you” Miranda nodded and Shepard took cover behind a pilar._

_SHIT. There were two krogans coming towards them, Zaeed was screaming that they were about to charge._

_“Miranda for fucks sake, bypass the fucking door!” Shepard screamed before filling her hand with biotic power and hurling it toward the Krogans in hope of it slowing them down._

_“I'm fucking trying, almost there Shepard. Just a few seconds more and we're in!” Miranda said under her breath with a, extreme, undertone of annoyance. Shepard quickly thought to herself “I will never like that woman”. Her heard the door beep and quickly rose to her feet._

_“Zaeed, come the fuck along the door is open, we need to shut it behind us. Leave the krogan alone, COME ON!” Shepard screamed while Zaeed ferociously tangled with the last krogan while the other lied bleeding on the floor._

_He turned and smiled, kicked the krogan in its balls so he got loose and ran through the door. There he was. Just standing casually against the crates saying “Shepard” when the crew came through the doors. Shepard turned her head, saw that familiar face and heard the deep purring voice and all she wanted to do was to keep running and taking a leap of the sofa, which was between them, and throw herself in his arms. She restrained herself._

_“Vakarian” she looked him in the eye while she said it and walked towards him._

_“How the hell have you been?” She said when she finally reached him and held her hand out. He gave her a curious look before taking her hand._

_“Been better. My visor is acting up, it almost electrocuted me, right in the eye!” He chuckled._

_“That's why you don't wear those damn things, it's better to trust what you have...” She drifted off while scanning the bridge beneath them trying to figure out how to get out of this semi-secure hell hole._

_“What's the situation, Garrus? How do we get out of here?” He handed her his sniper rifle so she could look through the scope._

_“There are mechs everywhere...” she sighed while taking aim at one of the mercs head and pulled the trigger. Garrus shot her a look, again. “What the hell is his problem? Doesn't he understand that we have to kill them anyway? This just means less work later!” her head roared as she stared back._

The fight had been gruesome and ended in Garrus taking a missile to the face. The others had to carry him back to the SR2 and put him in the medbay with Chakwas. Now, Shepard was sitting alone in her quarters with trembling hands thinking about Garrus and wondering if she would ever be able to talk with him again.

The missile looked to have blown a hole in his armor and damaged his face severely. What would she do without Garrus on her crew? Without him in her life? Even though he was turian, his influence over her actions was enormous. His turian pride and love of his people made her want humanity to be the same, she fought for so long for humanity to be more daring and demanding a place in the traverse, and it finally happened after the council had died and Saren had committed suicide. “And it's all because of him” she thought to herself. “He makes me want to strive for bigger balls for mankind” she started laughing imagining mankinds' balls, how would it pull it off?

Losing Garrus would be losing a safezone, someone who, even though he might not agree, understood her actions. She remembered when he told her that he was going to apply for Spectre training after they took Saren down. She could almost hear her heart breaking. Why would he leave her? Oh yeah, she had “taught him a lot and made him want to make a difference in the world”, but what about her? She could teach him even more if he stayed with her! Her eyes started tearing up and she realized that she'd been pushing her nails into the soft pads of her hand, making it bleed. She knew she was being selfish, but she didn't care.

She thought back on her life and everyone had abandoned her. Her parents, when she was a newborn had left her outside a church in New York. The church had taken her in and treated her for withdrawal (apparently her biological mother liked drugs) and then put her in an orphanage, from which she ran away when she was eleven and had since then lived on the street doing whatever necessary to survive.


	2. All of Me

 

She woke up screaming into the dark, cold room that was her cabin. Her hand went straight to her eyebrow where the scar from fourteen years ago had disappeared. The Lazarus project had removed all of her previous scars. Which was one reason as to why she disliked Miranda. She had no idea how much that scar meant to Shepard. That scar alone was the reason she had joined the Alliance.

Sweat was running down her neck and spine and the tangled sheets were soaked. Realizing that she wasn't dreaming anymore, she slowly got out of bed and walked over to the stereo to put on some Billie Holliday, a famous singer from the 1950s. The song All of Me started coming through the speakers while she poured herself a large whiskey and sat down on the couch. Alone in the dark, whiskey in hand, she closed her eyes and listened to Billies voice singing the carefully worded song:

 

_All of me_   
_Why not take all of me_   
_Can't you see_   
_I'm no good without you_   
_Take my lips_   
_I want to loose them_   
_Take my arms_   
_I'll never use them_   
_Your goodbye left me with eyes that cry_   
_How can I go on dear without you_   
_You took the part that once was my heart_   
_So why not take all of me_

 

 

* * *

 

_She was running, the adrenaline was pumping in her veins. Everything in her body ached. When the guy had picked her up from the street corner she hadn't imagine that it would turn out this way. She turned left and kept running from the situation. She ran until she had reached the shelter where she usually stayed when it was cold or raining. Sneaking in undetected was something she had perfected over the years of living on the street. She found herself in the bathroom on the third floor. The lamps in the ceiling needed changing, only one of the worked. She looked at her reflection in the dirty mirror. Swollen nose, dried up blood covered her lips, her left eyebrow had a large cut in the middle of it and blood was pulsating out of it. Slowly she removed her t-shirt, she winced as she dragged the t-shirt over her head. Once it was of she looked at herself in the mirror, she had a large bite mark on her right breast and some bruising was starting to show over her ribs. Probably from the kicking she got form punching the guy in his face after he bit her. She sighed and looked directly at herself._

_She had lived on the streets for four years. Being fifteen, she looked remarkably older. She had gone through puberty early which had at first been a big problem while living on the street. When she had realized that sex wasn't a big deal, looking older than 12 had helped her finding Joes. She wasn't proud of her actions, but she did what she had to to survive. And now, it would all come falling down on her. She would probably go to jail. She held up her hands towards the only functioning lamp, they were covered in blood. And it wasn't her own blood._

 

* * *

 

Shepards eyes sprung open. Her back was aching and she couldn't feel her arms, her whiskey glass had fallen to the floor and shattered. She was still on the sofa. Her red hair had fallen out of it's usually tight knot and spread over the sofa cushion. She shook her arms to wake them up and as soon she regained control of them she carefully climbed on the sofa to the other part of the room where there wasn't any glass and walked to the shower. “I'll deal with that later” Shepard thought to herself.

In her Cerberus uniform and with her hair back in place, Shepard took a last look at those green eyes staring back at her in the mirror, painful memories flashed before her eyes, she turned and walked out of her quarters towards the comm room for a conversation with the Illusive Man.

 

* * *

 

“Talk to you later then” Shepard said and turned off the power to the comm channel.

“EDI, what's the status on Vakarian?” She felt weird just talking to air, but knew she would get an answer from the ships AI.

“Garrus Vakarian is still awake and seemingly clear headed, however the wounds are not completely healed yet.”

“Well, thank you for that E..DI?” A dark voice growled behind Shepard. She turned around only to be met by two piercing blue eyes.

“Garrus, what the are you doing up?!” Shepard said with almost too much concern in her voice. “Keep it together Mira” she told herself. He didn't seem to notice. Casually leaning against the door frame to the comm room, looking directly at her. She could feel her stomach turning into a knot of tension and longing just by his gaze.

“Well, I thought you might want to see the new and improved me...” Garrus raised a talon and pointed to the right side of his face where there was a large amount of scarring form the missile.

“And I thought you should have some company on your next mission. Who knows, this new face of mine might help us win, either by scaring everyone off or draw them too me because I'm just so much more sexy now...” His voice purred on those last words.

Shepard smiled. It didn't matter what he looked like, he was utterly perfect, those scars told a tale about where he'd been, they added more character. Just like hers had. The scars on Garrus face stretched from his mouth to his right mandible, down the throat and some of the inside of his cowl was also damaged.

“How nice of you to offer me some company, but really Garrus I would prefer if you would stay on the Normandy.” Shepard broke eye contact and started playing with her omni-tool, trying to answer some messages.

“Excuse me?” Shepard raised her gaze from the screen. What had he just said? Did he just question her order? Couldn't he see that she wanted him out of harms way before he had fully recovered? She could feel the anger starting to take control, but she tried to keep her cool.

“Well, you're not in the best shape yet, and you have to get some rest to get there, so I'd rather have you take a day or two to rest up.” She answered as flat and unemotional as she could.

“What, you don't think I'm capable of holding a gun anymore?” Now, those piercing blue eyes had turned hostile and violent, staring at her with great intensity. What the hell was he thinking? Questioning her in this way?

“That's not what I...”

“I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!” Garrus turned and walked off. Who the hell did he think he was? Screaming like that, at  _her_ of all people. She was his superior and _no one_ was allowed to scream at her and then walk off before she could put them in their place. Shepard was boiling and the anger eradicated any relief of seeing him up and about. She ran after.

Garrus was standing by the elevator, waiting for it to reach the floor.

“What the fuck do you think you're doing Vakarian!” Shepard yelled and threw herself at him, pushing him away from the elevator.

“I AM YOU SUPERIOR, I AM YOUR COMMANDING OFFICER! YOU DO NOT ADDRESS ME IN THAT WAY!” Shepard yelled as she continued to push him around towards the armory. His mandibles flexed and he squinted with his eyes, obviously furious.

“YOU WON'T LET ME GO WITH YOU? WHO ELSE WILL WATCH YOUR SIX?! CLEARLY YOU DON'T TRUST ME ANYMORE”

“Are you questioning my judgement? How _dare you?!_ Whatever the hell happened to you on Omega that made you feel like you have the right to question my decision? Keep it to your self. _”_ She hissed. He looked at her, his eye suddenly becoming vacant and all tension in his body disappeared. When Shepard put her hand on his chest and gave it another push, just to clarify who was in charge, he just swayed right back, arms hanging loose. There was a light ping in the background. Garrus took a step to the right of Shepard and hurried to the elevator which had just arrived.

Shepard looked down into the floor and then raised the gaze and looked around the room. Everyone was staring at her, everything was quiet, the only sound in the room was the hum of the computers. Shepard put on her stone face and walked into the Lab where Mordin was researching Collector swarms. She found a chair in the corner and just sat down and watched Mordin work.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being so slow. This chapter was originally split into two separate chapters, but I decided to combine the two. I'll probably post something in a week or so.


	3. When I'm alone with my fancies I'll be with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah. There's some filth in this chapter and it's kind of weird, I'll admit that, but I'll save the really good stuff for later. This is after all a Slow Build-story. Enjoy!

“Shepard, something wrong? Heard raised voices.” Mordin said while tapping on his omni-tool and simultaneously pushing keys on the keyboard of one of the many computers in the tech lab. Shepard let out a loud and heavy sigh.

“I just... Oh I don't know.” Shepard covered her head in her hands.

“Don't have to tell me. But if you want to, doctor-patient confidentiality precedes desire to gossip.”

“Are you saying that if you did not have a strict code to follow, you would tell everyone what we would be hypothetically talking about?” Shepard teased but with some agitation in her voice since Mordins voice quickly rose a couple of note and the Salarian started excusing himself.

“No. Not what I meant. You misunderstood me. I...”

“I know Mordin. I'm sorry. I haven't slept in a while and I guess, I'm a bit high strung lately. I appreciate your offer to listen. Thank you.” She said all in one breath while dragging her hands over her forehead up over her hair and squeezing the bun of flaming hair to make sure it was still in place. It was something she did out of habit to keep her lock in order. She hated when things got messy.

“Most welcome Shepard.” Mordin said cutting of her line of thought and he returned to his work.

Shepard looked at the clock and realized she had been sitting in Mordins lab for over thirty minutes. The Salarian had obviously let her cool down for almost twenty five minutes before talking to her. He had only been aboard the SR2 for a couple of weeks but Shepard and Mordin had quickly become friends over their joint love for simple truths and direct approach. He had learned to pick up on her moods and now, he knew when it was a good time to discuss tactics or scientific results of the Collector research.

Shepard had often been scolded during her military training for having such a direct approach, often deciding beforehand what she thought of a situation and acted accordingly, not really acknowledging others moral compass, but acting on of her own skewed morality. During the actual training she never got to shoot anyone _for real,_ she was only allowed a fake gun and her large and filthy mouth. Once, she actually got her instructor to run away from the fake interrogation room with pee stains on her pants and tears running down her face, all by whispering softly into the instructors ear exactly what she would do to her parents if she did not answer the questions. She was punished, of course, but she took the punishment of cleaning out all the small food freighters' toilets with pride, because now she had a reputation which allowed her to ease through basic training like an eel since everyone were afraid of her. She thrived on it since people feared the unsaid threat of a threat. 

After becoming lieutenant Shepard started to receive missions where she, although supervised from a ship, was alone or with a small group of privates. Her reputation preceded her and when she handled crooks or deserters they knew of her and just the sheer sight of her blazing eyes and fire red hair brought almost everyone into obedience. Those who tried to fight her soon found themselves face the barrel of her pistol. She had been rewarded for her actions and she had been punished for them, but everyone in the Alliance knew that she got results. She had recived N7 training, all because of her effectivness. Being ruthless payed off. 

Shepard found herself in her private quarters, the course for the Normandy was set for the Hawking Eta system where they would explore the planets in order to find some resources. The ETA was about four hours and Shepard, feeling the need to clear her head she took out all of her cleaning supplies. The Normandy had a self-cleaning system but in Shepards cabin she had the option of turning it off, a most welcome function, since cleaning was a form of therapy for her. She had never liked messes and cleaning them up always made her feel better. Shepard got out of her formal Commander-outfit and just put on a tank top, a pair of shorts and turned on an album with Louis Armstrong. She walked over to the bathroom and started scrubbing down the shower while humming along to the song _A Kiss to Build a Dream on._

* * *

 

Working methodically through the bathroom, going through every small corner, cleaning behind pipes while the songs blended into one another she had started scrubbing down the toilet with an old toothbrush when she heard a knock on the door.

“Shepard?” A dark voice hummed behind the two sliding doors. Shepard stopped what she was doing and walked out into the living room while opening the door with her omni-tool. Garrus stepped into her quarters, looking uncomfortable looking everywhere except at her. His apparent discomfort made her decide it was time to play a little.

“Garrus” Shepard said in a husky voice, looking straight at him. The tone she used obviously had effect on him and he started to tap his talons against the glass to the aquarium.

“I, um, came to, um...” He stuttered nervously, Shepard took a big step towards him limiting the space between them. The proximity to his body had effect on her body and she started breathing heavily. Her underwear were starting to become moist and she could feel the growing warmth between her thighs.

“You came to what?” She said looking up into his eyes, her voice dark and breathy and her mouth splitting into a playful smile. She knew that her smile was probably her most attractive part of her body, except her hair of course. She had been shocked to find out that a lot of people had a fetish for red haired women.

“I came to apologize for flipping out on you earlier” Garrus had obviously understood what she was doing, because he put out his right talon and with a feather light touch he started stroking the tips of his talon along her arm, up and down.

Goosebumps appeared on Shepard’s skin and the hair in her neck rose. Garrus probably did not understand that she was toying with him because she liked him and wanted to conquer him, lick every part of his body, scratch his plates and make him sigh “I'm yours Shepard”. He probably thought she was just making him uncomfortable because he had given her shit earlier that day and this was part of his punishment and now he was playing the same game to show her that he wasn't putting up with her shit.

“Did you now?” Shepard whispered and took a step even closer and put her hand on Garrus armor and started running her fingers along the metal plates and buckles.

She looked up to meet his blue eyes and stared into them determined not to break eye contact first. There was something unsaid about the way they stared into each others eyes, it was a battle for power and Shepard refused to give up. Even though she knew that she, despite everything that had happened to her, loved this Turian standing in front of her right now she was still his commanding officer and he would obey.

“Yes. I did. I'm sorry for questioning your decision” Garrus said, breaking eye contact and quickly turned around and walked out of her cabin.

With her hair askew and falling out of her tight bun, a faint smell of sweat coming from her armpits and her arms were hanging by her sides, she watched Garrus back as the doors closed behind him and she couldn't do anything but smile. Fine, he had left abruptly, but, she had won. Louis Armstrong had stopped singing and Serge Gainsbourg had replaced him. She returned to her half-cleaned bathroom to finish what she had started.

 

After an hour or so, she finished. Fatigue was starting to creep up on her, even though she didn't want to sleep worrying about potential dreams, her body eventually wore down her will to stay awake. There was still time to catch some shut-eye before they reached Hawking Eta and she would have to oversee the scanning of the planets in the different clusters. She slowly started to strip for no one else but her self. She put her legs together and bent her knees, hips swaying from side to side as she lifter her tank top over her head and the throwing her top onto the chair by the desk. Her breasts were exposed now, Shepard hated wearing a bra while being alone in her quarters, they usually cut into her flesh and started to chafe her skin a little after a few hours. She would go bra-less all the time, if she could. Her firm breasts swayed with her hips to the music as she slowly stepped out of her shorts, caressing her muscular legs with her hands. She was dancing for no-one else but herself, it was invigorating. Now only wearing underwear which were still a bit moist from her close proximity to Garrus, she separated her legs and slid a hand down her flat belly in under her underwear to her still swollen clitoris. Standing up she started circling her hot spot. She let her hand slide between her inner lips surprised of the extreme wetness that hid between them. She let one finger slide inside her, bending it in rhythmical intervals in order to access her g-spot while at the same time letting her thumb circle her clitoris. She was imagining Garrus' talons all over her body and his sharp teeth biting her nipples so the skin would break and blood would drip down her full breasts, he would raise one of his talons and smear the blood all over her chest. She moaned. She felt the pressure rising in her body, her toes were starting to curl and her legs were starting to cramp, just before she went over the edge, she inserted two more fingers and moaned loudly when she felt the orgasm wash over her. After catching her breath, she walked over to the bed with shaking legs and fell asleep. Shepard had been right about not wanting to go to sleep, because just an hour later, she woke up screaming and tears coming down her face.

 


	4. Thinking About You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to underline that this is extremely headcanon-ish. I bet many of you don't like to think of our Commander in the way depicted below, but I really need her not to be so perfect, especially as a Renegade Commander. Enjoy!

 Whimpering and new tears coming down her face Shepard stumbled off to the bar where she kept her whiskey bottles. She poured a large glass and downed it immediately, she poured another one and finished it off as quickly, the third one she sipped on as she sat down on her sofa, completely naked from her striptease an hour before. She liked to dance slowly for herself, it was mildly erotic and way more fun than just pulling off all her clothes and crashing into her bed.

Her breathing was ragged, shallow and somewhat panicked. The liquor had started to spread a warm sensational feeling in her gut and her brain began swimming, or at least it felt like it.

“Commander, we have now reached the Hawking Eta System, you are needed on the bridge to coordinate which clusters to approach and oversee the collection of minerals.” EDIs voiced beamed out in Shepard’s cabin.

“I'll be right there EDI” Shepard sighed. As she rose from the sofa she lost balance and dipped back into the sofa. “Shit. I'm drunk!” She thought to herself, forcing herself up again to get dressed. Getting clothes back on her smooth body was harder than she thought. Her balance was way off and it was becoming worse. The whiskey was taking its time to cool her emotions, slowing her senses in the process.

Finally dressed, she tried to walk as straight as she could to the elevator which lead to the CIC. Once down in the CIC she wobbled up to the galaxy map. Shepard tried to collect her thoughts so she could give orders as to which cluster to examine first.

“Shepard, are you alright?” The way too familiar voice purred behind her.

“I'm fiiiiiine.” Shepard answered.

“You don't seem too good. Your face looks...puffy. And your eyes are red.”

“Puffy eh? I didn't even know _you aliens_ could tell diff... erences in huMAN faces.” Her pronunciation was way off, even she could tell, her head screamed for her to regain control of her mouth but nothing happened. She just kept blabbering.

“Well, most _aliens_ haven't spent as much time as I have on human ships, surrounded by humans.” 

“You think you're special don't yooou? Well, let me tell you one thing, you, mantis- _thing_ , you're not.” Shepard slurred, regretting the words as soon as the left her mouth. Garrus face remained blank, and now Shepard’s legs were starting to give in. She started to fall from the little platform where the Galaxy Map was located but Garrus caught her and lifted her up.

“EDI, tell Ms Lawson to come to the CIC and oversee the collection of minerals. Shepard is not feeling well, so I'm taking her back up to her cabin.”

“Yes Mr. Vakarian” EDI voice answered.

 

* * *

 

 

Shepard clung to Garrus' strong body, her hands resting inside his cowl. She noticed how he tensed up when she put her hands there, but she was too drunk to care. “Oh my god, I went down completely shit-faced to the CIC. Oh my god. Oh my god” the thoughts were rushing through her head and shame was starting to overtake her. With this much alcohol in her blood, she couldn't stop the tears from reappearing in her eyes. Luckily they were now in the elevator on their way to her cabin. Dammit, she was Shepard, she couldn't let a subordinate see her cry like a fucking baby. But there was nothing to stop her body from letting the tears roll down her cheeks, she had lost some of her extreme self control, and now, she was crying in front of the only person she had ever loved. And she had called him a mantis. Shepard doubted that Garrus understood the reference, but guilt rushed over her anyway.

“Garuss, I'm sorry. I...I, um, don't think you look like a mantis at all. I just, um, oh god.”

Garrus remained silent. A soft ring went through the speakers of the elevator announcing their arrival to the top floor and Shepard’s private quarters.

He sat her down on her bed and then he started pacing the room. Shepard observed him through blurry eyes.

“What were you thinking, Shepard? Have you lost your fucking mind?” Garrus growled, she just sat there and figured she was too drunk to answer and that he probably needed to yell at someone, “Might as well be me” she thought.

“That whole spectacle was completely unacceptable. Had that been anyone else, and not you, you would've thrown them off the Normandy without even blinking. Maybe even punched them a few times before doing so.” Shepard scoffed and smirked at the thought.

“Lucky me I'm me” She slurred in reply.

Suddenly she could hear a faint murmur building in the room, she looked around and saw that Garrus had stopped pacing the room and now was just staring at her, eyes burning with anger, mandibles flexing and fingers tapping on his armor in obvious frustration. The panic she had felt before, reappeared.

She looked down into the floor, still feeling Garrus eyes on her. Not knowing what to say, feeling that every word was insufficient and that he was right. There was no excuse for her behavior and her drunkenness, except that since being revived by Cerberus the memories she had kept so carefully stored away in her head had resurfaced and were now tormenting her every time she went to sleep.

“I, um, I, geez Garrus, there's no excuse. I know I screwed up, it's just, argh I don't know.” She sighed and looked into his eyes.

She was feeling more sober now, but still vulnerable. His expression softened when he met her gaze. Her words and memories were buried deep inside of her, stowed away, not to ever be thought of again. Her memories were coming back to her in her dreams, making it difficult to ignore suppress them as she did before. Shepard felt as though Garrus needed an explanation, but she didn't know if she was ready to give it to him yet.

She trusted him, above all else, despite the last 72 hours of fighting with him, but she didn't trust herself and knew she wasn't ready to let him know that part of her yet. All of these thoughts jumped around in her head and she hoped he understood that she was confused and drunk by her eyes and the way she looked at him.

“Just don't do it again, Mira” Garrus said and for the second time that day he turned around and walked out of her cabin.

He had used her first name. What? Did that just happen or had she imagined it? She replayed him saying her name over and over in her head as she fell back on her bed and fell asleep, and for the first time since the beginning of the mission the nightmares did not appear.  


	5. Float Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, not really much to say, we're beginning to draw near to some stuff I've got planned. So soon, my lovelies. Thanks for all the comments and kudos, they keep me going! 
> 
> Enjoy!

The months passed, they worked tirelessly to recruit other people to the team. Shepard jumped with happiness after she let Grunt out of his tank. She knew from her experience with Wrex on Virmire that Krogans responded well to her assertive ways. So when Grunt pushed her against the wall of the cargo hold, she knew that he would back down, especially after seeing her gun against his abdomen. He chuckled when he noticed the weapon and Shepard knew that she had finally someone on her team that would accept her decisions and not question her ruthlessness and unforgiving attitude.

 

Her drunken escapade a few months back had become a taboo subject, no one dared say a word to her about it. She was glad that the crew was nice enough to ignore her little slip up. Her relationship with Garrus was somewhat more strained than usual. Her nightmares only let her have that one night off and now, she was more exhausted than ever before. She slept no more than 3-4 hours per night and it was beginning to take its toll on her face and her fighting.

After Garrus was back on his feet, she started taking him on missions, actually, there wasn't one mission where he didn't join her. They worked well together, his sniping skills and technical skills complemented her biotics. Grunt had also become a regular member of her ground team since his fierce fighting skills took care of more well armored enemies while Shepard controlled the, not so unusual, masses of non-armored enemies running towards them with her singularity and shockwave. They were a tight group, knowing each others moves and often combined their skills to create deadly combos.

Shepard had come to depend on Garrus and Grunt a great deal since they seemed to forgive her for her, now, very reckless fighting style where she just threw herself into fights without even thinking. They would mutter about it but then run in after her and shoot anything that came close to her. They were her protectors and she knew that they would always have her back. Grunt and Garrus were about the only security she had in her life.

 

Shepard and Garrus were still fighting every time the bumped into each other on the Normandy, the fights occurred so often that it had become routine. The rest of the crew always ignored them while Shepard and Garrus were storming around in the Mess Hall or the Cargo Hold screaming. Garrus continued to give her shit for being reckless and not for thinking twice, Shepard usually said that he had no right to question her and if he had a problem with her, he was welcome to leave, which he never did.

Then something happened, right before they arrived at Horizon, a human colony that was under attack from the collectors and Shepard and her team were sent to investigate.

The Illusive Man had just told her that Ashley Williams was on Horizon and the probability that they might run into each other was high. After their little chat, Shepard retreated to the Mess Hall for a cup of coffee (the only thing that kept her standing on her two feet). She was flipping through a magazine from the Citadel, filled with rumors about ambassadors and Councilors, when she heard that someone cleared their throat behind her.

“I had no idea that the Salarian Councilor actually thinks she's a fish” Garrus voice rang out.

“Oh, I bet she's just going through a phase and experimenting, trying new things you know” Shepard answered while Garrus sat down next to her.

“Yeah, we all have our experimental phases” At this Shepard turned around with her eyebrows raised into a question.

“Really? Tell me more, pray tell how do Turians experiment?”

“Oh, we have plenty of ways to try new things, nothing is off limits... except other species of course.”

“Well, what's the fun in that?”

“True true.” Garrus said with his mandibles flexing in a way she had come to know as a smirk. Shepard felt as though someone had punched her in the stomach. He was so goddam beautiful.

“Um, well it's just cheap gossip” Shepard said and closed the magazine and took another sip of her coffee.

“Was there something you wanted to talk about, Garrus? And please, if you're here to yell at me, can it wait? I really don't want to fight right now” Shepard said exasperated.

“I'm not here to fight with you. I'm here to check up on you”

“You're what? Why?”

“I can see that you're not sleeping and you're getting more and more reckless during missions”

“I, uh...”

“I'm actually starting to wonder if you have an underlying death wish, Mira” And there it was, her name in a mix with the most observant and accurate words that anyone had ever told her.

 

She did not want to die, per se, but she wasn't afraid of death and frankly she didn't care about her life. When the old SR1 was destroyed and she had forced Joker into the escape pod, not even considering what might happen to her. And then the laser beam hit and she was thrown out of the broken ship. Floating around in space and watching her beloved ship break in two, she could feel that the air in her suit was starting to leak, her initial response was to cover the leaking oxygen tube, but after only a few panicked seconds she realized it was her time and she let go, suffocating slowly with her eyes fixed on the destroyed Normandy. As she felt her life slipping away she only regretting one thing, letting Garrus leave her for Specter training.

 

“I, um, guess I'm not getting enough sleep.” Shepard sighed and stroke her neck.

“Well, why is that? Are you building your model ships late into the night?” He said with some hope of taking off the edge seriousness of the conversation.

“Yeah. Sure” Shepard answered, not knowing what to say or how to say it. How could she explain? The nightmares weren't just nightmares, they were the past. They were the reason she acted they way she did, why she always sought the more violent conclusion to problems and they were the reason why she was so guarded.

“Don't want to talk about it?” Garrus met her gaze and she could see that his eyes were filled with questions and his subharmonics buzzed with uncertainty and concern. She wondered who had put him up to this, making him ask her why she looked like shit and why she threw herself into battle without any second thoughts.

“Yeah, not really.” She said breaking eye contact and stared at her coffee mug instead. There was a long silence, not awkward but tense. They both knew there was so much to be said, so much to be explained, but this was not the time. Garrus shot back his chair and got up and started walking.

“So, who made you come down here and talk to the reckless Shepard?” She said under her breath as he left. He turned and looked straight at her, one of his fingers tapping on his thigh.

“No one. I'm just concerned about you.” He said and walked to the main battery.  


	6. Breathe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I'm going a bit AU in this chapter. And I just want to say that I'm really fascinated by the idea of Shepard completley worn out and not so (damn) perfect, and put together. And yes, I have a crush Grunt, that teenage Krogan just steals my heart.

The person in front of her had large bags under her eyes, the green eyes staring back at her were expressionless and the usually frizzy and curly red hair was hanging flat. Mira studied her mirror reflection, this was not her.

The woman looking back at her reminded her of the girl living on the streets of New York. The _thing_ staring at her seemed malnourished and soulless.

Her eyes and body echoed hollow. “Nothing seems quite right anymore” Shepard thought to herself. Deep within her chest and gut she knew there was something vital missing. She was missing some component of her human form that everyone else seemed to have.

Hell, even the aliens on her ship seemed more well-rounded and stable than her. She had always known that something was fundamentally wrong with her, it was an inner truth she always carried with her.

All her life she had walked around feeling misplaced and odd. She'd always been more… everything. She was either up or down, never in between. Although lately she'd been more down than ever.

She couldn't let the feeling go that she wasn't meant to be here, her time had come that night on the Normandy SR1 but Miranda and the Illusive Man had brought her back, for their own gain. She was so furious, they had no right to do what they pleased with her deceased body. The first time she spoke to the Illusive Man she had yelled at him, refusing to accept that he had brought her back and saying that some things were meant to stay dead and she was one of them. Shepard bent down towards the sink, turned the faucet on and covered her face in the water.

She used a towel to wipe of the remaining drops of rolling down her face water, put her hair up in its usual bun and walked down to the CIC, it was time to investigate Horizon.

 

* * *

 

 

Grunt jumped behind a crater in the cargo bay after a shoulder piece of Shepard's armor came flying in his direction. She was stomping around the room, fuming. They had just returned from Horizon and things were not good.

Ashley and Shepard had gotten into a heated argument, ending with Shepard punching her right across the nose.

While blood was coming out of Ashley's nose like a waterfall, Shepard had just looked at her with a smirk playing on her lips. Grunt wasn't one to refuse punching someone in the face, hell, he almost tackled that brown-haired woman for the things she had called Shepard. But that punch seemed more for Shepard's enjoyment than to put Ashley in her place. 

No one was allowed to hurt Shepard, at least not on his watch. Grunt was conflicted about the human woman who, right now, was tearing her armor off piece by piece just so she would have something to throw.

Grunt felt this need to protect her from everything and at the same time he knew she could hold her own. She always took the time with him though, more so than with the others of the crew. She had shown him how to mod his shotgun so it would fire shots more rapidly.

She would also spend a fair about of time drinking with him, and Shepard being able to drink as much as Grunt convinced him that she was a Krogan in a human form.

"That fucking Ashley Williams!" Shepard shouted out in the cargo hold. Mira Shepard was struggling to get the piece of armor that covered her knee off while cursing the birth of Ashley at the same time.

Her fingers were trembling with anger, making it difficult for her to open the clasps that kept the armor on. If that little shit only knew why Shepard had chosen to cover her ass instead of Kaidan's back on Virmire.

Shepard had never liked Ashley's attitude, her general opinion against Aliens made Shepard sick. Sure, Shepard had been reluctant at first to let Aliens on her ship, but after working with Wrex and Garrus especially, she became convinced that humans could only benefit from cooperating with the other races. But humanity would always come first. 

Ashley had never seen it that way, she was a little spoiled brat. But an excellent solider.

Her fighting skills were more developed and more complimentary to Shepard's pure biotics, compared to Kaidan. The only useful thing about Kaidan were his technical skills but they as well were mediocre, just like him being able to shoot straight at a target.

Not to mention him walking around the Normandy thinking Shepard was interested in him.

"Yuck" Shepard thought to herself when the memory of Kaidan swooning over her at breakfast in the Mess Hall back on the SR1 emerged.

Ashley's vast superior fighting skills were what saved her. If she had been as undeveloped and immature as Kaidan, Shepard was convinced she'd left them both.

She understood her own distaste for Ashley, and tried to hide it as best as she could, but had never thought the gunnery-chief would be verbal about hers for Shepard. And the things she'd said, even though Shepard didn't care to admit it, they stung.

Ashley had found Shepard's weak spot. Her past, Williams had screamed at Shepard with glee in her eyes that she would never consider taking orders from a filthy, lying prostitute again. The words stung yet again, and now the clasp to the knee-piece opened and Shepard flung it across the room hitting the elevator door.

Shepard felt all the emotions that she'd been repressing for so many months welling up in her eyes.

She turned around facing Garrus questioning blue eyes and Grunt peeking out from behind a crater. She mustered up everything that she had and said with a low growl:

"Get out. Leave me alone. If you stay one minute longer or so help me God I will break your fucking skull" Grunt got up, gave her a quick look of both approval and concern, but then walked to the elevator. Garrus on the other hand, stayed behind a bit, Shepard could hear a low hum from his chest, she closed her eyes and tried to take some heavy breaths to calm herself, it didn't work.

When she opened them again, she was alone. She let out a deep breath, told EDI to turn of the cameras in the Cargo Hold before falling to the floor. Shepard was baging her hands against the metal floor while crying and gasping for air.

There in the large room, she was surrounded by craters, alone and covered by sporadic pieces of her armor. She felt as though her insides were slowly imploding and the pain was overwhelming.

She collapsed onto her side into fetal position and continued crying until she fell asleep from exhaustion. The next thing she remembered were Grunts strong arms hoisting her up and carrying her to her cabin.

When they arrived, he put her down on the sofa and went straight to the bar, filling two glasses with something that smelled like rat poison, and handing one of the glasses to her.

"Heh heh heh, Shepard. At least you got some sleep. Now, let's get you drunk, heh heh heh" Shepard looked at him and smiled faintly, and wondered who let this Krogan into her life. She didn't deserve him, but she was thankful that he somehow understood everything by just meeting her gaze.

 

* * *

 

The coffee was hot and a welcome taste to Shepards mouth. Hungover and exhausted from all the feelings the day before, she was sitting in silence in the Mess Hall, alone. She heard the swoosh of the doors to the main battery and she knew that Garrus was heading her way. 

"You look better, Shepard" Her skin prickled at his "r"s and the way they rolled in his mouth. 

"Thanks, although I bet my drinks with Grunt last night left its own mark."

"Oh, he came up to see you, did he?"

"Yeah..."

"I think Grunt has a crush on you" Garrus said and Shepard let out a laugh. Garrus looked at her confused.

"Grunt? Oh no, he's... more... like my large teenage krogan son."

"Well, that brings some distrubing pictures to mind." He said with his mandibles twitching in a way that Shepard knew meant that he was smirking. 

"Yeah, something you didn't know about me is that Wrex and I had a very _special_ time together on the SR1"

"Hah! I bet you did, just don't forget to invite me to the wedding." 

"Wedding? Nah, you know that nothing can tie this soaring bird down!"  _Except you_ Shepards mind flashed. 

"Yeah..." Garrus answered letting everything else be unsaid. So they sat there in silence, avoiding to look at each other. Knowing that there wasn't much to say, both of them were broken in ways that the other couldn't comprehend and neither of them willing to speak of it. 


	7. One bright moment is all I ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo. Yeah.  
> Next Chapter will be up in about a week, it might be a bit longer since I have a final coming up.
> 
> Enjoy!

After debriefing the Illusive Man about Horizon, Shepard walked away from the conference room with a bad taste in her mouth, that man was up to something. She just knew it, but whatever it was, it wasn't important right now.

The Illusive Man had told her that Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, one of Shepard's old crew mates on the SR1, needed a helping hand on the planet Haestorm. Maybe, just maybe she'd consider joining the Normandy crew again.

It was strange, back on the SR1, the only people that had gotten on Shepard's nerves on a regular basis were the human crew. They were complaining all the time and questioning her while the aliens on board had shown her respect and in some ways, they could always understand to her decisions during a mission.

They might've not agreed, but they understood. Tali had been very young when she joined the crew. Naïve but eager to learn.

Like with Grunt, Shepard had taken Tali under her wing, tried to show her that there were times when mercy wasn't an option and ruthlessness was the only choice. She'd told Tali about her decision to sacrifice her entire crew for the mission, because the objective was larger than 10 peoples lives.

Things needed to get done and there would always be difficult decisions to make. Even though Shepard never took them lightly, she would always make the most efficient one and after talking to Tali several time, the young Quarian had begun to understand the difference between being a leader and a subordinate. 

 

Shepard knocked lightly on the main battery door. It swooshed open and she stepped into room while Garrus finessed off some calibrations at his desk.

Shepard started walking around the room, looking at all the improvements Garrus had made to the cannons and to the fire-rate efficiency. She was impressed. Garrus technical skill was unmatched, and she had know it for several years, but still, it surprised her. The changes he had made were so sophisticated, and meticulous. 

"Busy?" Shepard let out with a sigh as she studied the Thanix canon with intense eyes. 

"Just finished a bit of code to improve the cooling off period for the cannon, preventing the gun from overheating so fast." He said as he leaned back against the wall, looking at Shepard. 

"Good job." She said and walked to the other side of the cannon to inspect it even further. She pretended not to notice his eyes resting on her head as she moved around the room, it felt as though he set her on fire by just looking at her.

She felt like a block of ice which was slowly melting into a puddle on the floor. The air felt electric, Shepard's skin started to form small bumps on her arms and down her neck.

What if she imagined all this? Did he feel this peculiar feeling too or was she a complete idiot for thinking that he might feel something? He had said several times that he cared for her, that he was concerned. In fact, he was the only one who dared question her ability to lead.

She looked up at him, but when he met her eyes she quickly turned her head, feeling heat rising in her cheeks. What was he doing to her? How could she react this strongly to someone? It had never happen before.

He made her _blush_ , like she was a 15-year-old girl in High School. She stared at the Thanix cannon with new intensity in hope that all these school-girl thoughts would be replaced with configurations and calculations and maybe would help her to ask a smart question about the cannon. It didn't work.

Instead her eyes flickered to Garrus legs and her mind started wondering how they looked underneath all that armor. Well, she _knew_ what Turians looked like without clothing, thanks to all the Turian pornography she had watched in hope of stilling her lust for Garrus. Instead, it had increased.

Garrus legs looked bulky and broad in his armor but in reality, Shepard suspected, they were rather thin. Many humans believed that Turian talons and feet had long claws instead of nails, rather the "claws" were short and more nail-like. Shepard's mind continued wandering further and further from the reality. 

 

_His talon was inside her jacket, running up and down her spine resulting in goose-bumps covering her entire body. She planted a wet kiss on his right mandible and it started twitching from the touch._

_She raised her arms and put her hands on his shoulders, and pushed him towards the wall. She pinned him there with her legs, preventing him from moving as she let her hands explore his wonderful and alien body._

_His plates had a small shimmer to them and they reminded of old, well cared for leather when she touched them. Smooth, soft and hard at the same time._

_Between the plates the skin was even softer and touching it made Garrus chest vibrate. Her left hand travelled to his waist, while the other kept caressing the skin between his two chest plates. The turian waist was much smaller than the human one but it was also more sensitive._

_As she moved her hand lightly over Garrus waist, he started giggling. It was not the light giggling of a little girl, but more of a airy sound with some high pitches in it at the end._

_"What? I thought this was a sensitive part of the Turian body." Shepard said confused._

_"It is, but you can't stroke it that lightly because it tickles. You have to squeeze the skin…"_

_"So, I'm not supposed to do this….?" Shepard said as her hand travelled lightly over his waist again and she received a giggle form Garrus in return. The sound of his giggle was like music to her ears, and she moved down her right hand and stroke both of them over his waist and the giggling intensified._

_Shepard kept going until Garrus was gasping for air, pretty pleased with herself. He caught her off guard and swooped his led around hers, causing them to give in and Shepard falling to the floor with Garrus on top of her._

_He pushed his chest against her and put his leathery lips against hers, knowing this was a human thing and unsure what followed. Shepard took advantage and put her tongue against his lips, licking lightly trying to show him that he was supposed to open his mouth._

_Once he understood, she invaded his mouth. Not used to the sharp teeth of a human her tongue started bleeding a little, but in only made them both more excited. The texture of the Turian tongue didn't differ much from the plates that covered their bodies, only difference was that is was wet and a bit warmer. Shepard moved her hands to Garrus waist, he stilled under her touch, unsure if she was going to tickle him again or not._

_She gave the Turian a light squeeze and he moaned into her ear. She continued with short intervals, noticing his rising excitement. Shepard took advantage of the situation and rolled Garrus over on his back._

_He looked at her, surprised, but she just leaned down and started kissing the inside of the cowl, while her hands were finding their way down to his sheath. He moaned as her lips treaded lightly inside his cowl, she could feel his sheath started to recede and his dick coming out. It was a slow process to get the Turian cock to come out._

_Once the sheath began receding it needed to be caressed so it would open wider and allow it to emerge fully. It was something completely lust-filled since the sheath was filled with nerve endings and thus a very sensitive spot for Turian males._

_Shepard stroke the sheath and Garrus cock appeared, the tip of it touching her wrist as she worked the sheath. Her fingers began touching the tip and Garrus voice broke. All of a sudden Shepard hands were holding a Turian cock, she looked up and met Garrus eys and smile before she gave it a light squeeze. Garrus closed his eyes and moaned loudly._

 

"Shepard, have you noticed that we've not had a fight in several days?" Garrus dark rumbling voice brought Shepard back to reality. 

"Um…. yeah, no I haven't really, um, given it much thought" Shepard answered feeling flushed and avoiding Garrus gaze. 

"No? Really? Then, well, okay…" 

"I just came down to give the cannons a quick look and tell you to clean your rifle, because you're coming with me to pick up an old friend." Shepard said trying to cover her flushed face while walking with quick steps out of the main battery.


	8. Pull Me Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, very AU-ish. Took some freedom with conversations and stuff. Hope you like it!

The sensor was beeping, warning Shepard that her shields were going down, She didn't care, she ran straight ahead and ducked behind a crater just in time. She looked up and saw a rocket pass over her head, if she hadn't found cover, she'd probably died. 

"Shepard, slow down! There's no hurry, let's take our time with the geth and then find Tali" Garrus voice sounded annoyed over the comm. 

"Just cover me, will you?" Shepard answered as she ran out of cover and continued straight forward throwing fields of biotic energy at the geth trying to flank her. The synthetics flew high up in the air and all Garrus and Grunt could see was Shepard back and glowing hands running around, ducking behind craters. 

"It's clear now guys" Shepard said over the comm and while she waited for the guys to catch up, she looked for ammo. She could hear Garrus and Grunts breaths as they were slowly jogging over to her position, their armor clinking from their heavy steps. All of a sudden she was hit in the shoulder, hard.

"What the hell were you thinking Shepard?" She met a set of blazing blue eyes and mandibles twitching in annoyance. 

"Well, since you took so damn long to reload your rifle, I decided I was our best chance to take out the damn geth quickly."

"Is that all you think about? Effectiveness? Don't you realize there's more at stake here than being effective? You put all of us in danger."

"Speak for yourself, Pointy" Grunt exclaimed.

"I thought we were through with you questioning me. It is not your place and this is not the fucking time" Shepard's voice was dripping with anger. She was so tired of his fucking attitude, when would he understand who was in charge? How dared he? She might've sacrificed her team once, but was not about to do it again. Especially when _he_ was a part of her team. 

"Get a grip Vakarian. Let's move out!" Shepard walked away and didn't bother arguing further. Grunt followed her directly while Garrus stood still, looking out over the dead geth and shook his head. 

 

* * *

 

 

"What's your name soldier?" Shepard asked the wounded Quarian in from of her.

"Kal'Reegar, Ma'am." 

"Are you here with Tali'Zorah nar Rayya?"

"If you mean Tali'Zorah za Neema then yes. We got separated and she is on the other side of that Colossus gathering data for the fleet. I've been fighting those damn Geth for hours, my whole team is gone." He said with sadness hanging in his voice. Shepard didn't care, all she knew was that Tali was still alive, but not for long. She needed to get to her. 

"I hope you can muster up the last of you energy now, because we'll need you to cover our asses and keep the Colossus busy while we try to get to Tali."

"Yes, Ma'am."  

Shepard signaled for Garrus and Grunt to take cover. She, however, hit her thighs with her hands in hope of getting some more blood in them before she took off running and killing everything that got in her way. She could see how the Colossus fired a large energy ball that hit Kal'Reegar and over the comm she could hear him scream and then it went silent.

Shepard kept running.

 

* * *

 

 

After taking out the Colossus, getting Tali to join the team had been easy. Shepard immediately felt her nerves calming down a bit.

Tali was another safe zone for her, and just having her on the ship meant _something_. Shepard knew Tali was still angry with her for taking Veetor to the Normandy after Freedom's Progress.

There was no going back now and changing her decision, she'd have to live with it and apologize to Tali. But that had to wait for a while.

Right now she just wanted some peace and quite before making here rounds on the ship. Shepard placed her hands on the table in the Communications Room and leaned over the table, putting all of her weight onto her hands.

She sighed, and listened to the low buzz of the engines combined with silence. It was calming. As Shepard's eyes opened her ears caught a sound which was not part of the engines, rather it was metal against metal, probably armor against the metal floors of the ship.

She could tell from the heavy steps that they were not human. The weight seemed to be placed on the heels rather than the toes so that took Mordin or Tali out of the equation. Which only left Garrus or Grunt. Shepard felt a knot tie in her stomach. She was certain of who was coming towards the Communications Room, the hair on her skin rose, and a frown appeared on her forehead. 

The doors opened.

 

"Garrus." Shepard said with a-matter-of-a-fact voice.

"Shepard." 

"Something I can help you with?"

"Yes. I have some questions."

"About what?"

"Haestorm."

"What about it?"

"Well, do you remember that Quarian we encountered? The marine?"

"Yes. What about him?"

"Well, he died."

"Yes, I know. I was there, Garrus."

"But why did he die?"

"Because the Colossus shot him in the face." Shepard's voice was dripping with sarcasm, she was starting to get annoyed. What was he getting at? Garrus looked at her, he did not laugh.

"I know that. I was wondering why he had to die."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you could've let him live, Shepard."

"I could've? I think you're misunderstanding something here, Garrus. I'm not the one who killed him. There was nothing I could do."

"Yes, there was. He didn't need to cover us!"

"Yeah, he did. I'm not one to deny help when offered."

"The way that you act when we're out on missions, running around, throwing glowing biotic fields and shooting at everything that moves…" He sighed before continuing "You could have run around that Colossus making it spin on its own head so many times that eventually it would've fallen off." Shepard smirked at the thought.

"Garrus, there was nothing I could do."

"Yes there was! You could've told him to back down! Why do you keep letting people die?!" Garrus shouted and his subharmonics were vibrating. 

"Look, Vakarian, I did nothing wrong on Haestorm. Reegar wanted to cover us and who am I to deny him that? Obviously you have some shit going on because the Garrus Vakarian I knew before would never dare to question my decisions or accuse me of letting people die when there was a choice not to!" Shepard's breathing was ragged and shallow, why was it that every time she argued with Garrus, her breathing changed? He looked at her, eyes ablaze.

All of a sudden he waked with fast steps towards her, grabbed her by the arms and pushed her against the wall. 

"You have no idea of what I've been through Shepard." Garrus face was only inches away from Shepard's and she could feel the air coming out of his nose on her cheeks. She looked him in the eyes and became overwhelmed by what she saw there. All the pain, fear and anger.

This was something she had never noticed before, how broken he was. He seemed erratic and on the verge of falling apart. She knew that something had changed him, she had known that since Omega. Shepard hadn't realized how deep it seemed to go. They stood there, looking into each others eyes, and Shepard realized that she wasn't alone in her pain and misery. Here was someone who, maybe, could understand.

Before she could stop herself, she whispered softly:

"I'm pathetically in love with you."


	9. If I Had a Heart I Could Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First chapter from another POV. Thought this presented a good time to introduce the other leading role and his thoughts.  
> Still, I am taking a lot of freedom with the timeline of ME1 and ME2. 
> 
> And sorry for the 2 week hiatus, I've been dealing with a lot at uni, so I thought I should write a longer chapter than usual to make up for it. So here you go. 
> 
> Thanks to my lovely [FannyPzA](http://fannypza.tumblr.com/) for being my beta! <3

**2183 – The Citadel**

He'd been back at C-Sec for two months, when his omni-tool beep signaling an incoming call.

“Wrex? What's up big guy? How's Tuchanka?”

“Hey Garrus, things are complicated over here. Especially with the latest news...”

“What do you mean? Did someone finally find a cure for your ugly face?” Garrus joked.

“Ha, very funny. Do you mean you haven't heard? I thought someone might have told you, that's why I called...”

“Wrex, just spit it out.”

“Um, Shepard is gone, Garrus... I thought Ashley or Liara would've called you by now. The Normandy was attacked, and she died... I was calling to see if you were going to the memorial.”  
Garrus just stared at his omni-tool, Shepard, dead? How could she leave him? How could she leave everyone? The galaxy needed her! God damnit Shepard!

He closed his omni-tool without saying goodbye to Wrex. He went to his locker at C-Sec, cleared out all of his things and put them in his sparring bag, before leaving the offices.  
Everything was just black. For a week Garrus spent everyday locked in his bathroom, in the tiny apartment which came with his C-Sec position, drinking and puking, drinking and puking.

He had never lost anyone before, so he had no idea of how to handle the sudden grief that had overcome him. It was easy to drink to numb the panic that swelled in his chest when he thought about the fact that he would never see Shepard again.

He would never hear her laugh over the comm when he made snarky comments when he shot a merc in the head. He realized after seven days that he could not continue like this, she was dead.

She would never come back and him locking himself in the bathroom trying to see how many times a day he could vomit would not change that. And it certainly wouldn't ease the pain in the long run.

He hitched a cab to the port and looked at the large board in the port hall to see which departure was next, which ever planet or station it was, it would be where he'd start over. He'd find something meaningful to do so he could rectify what the wrong that the universe had just made.

He looked up on the large screen looming over the hurried bodies in the hall, and saw

DEPARTURES:                          GATE:

Omega                                    45CF

 

He started walking towards the ship that would take him to Omega.

 

* * *

  
Legs, walking fast. Feet covered in armor hitting the metal floor, resulting in sharp and high "cling" sounds. Legs, stopping and feet impatiently tapping the floor. A soft hum and a beep announced the arrival of the elevator. A body moving into the confined space in front of it, pushing a button and doors closing.  
Doors opening. Legs walking fast again, people yelling, the body ignoring them. Doors opening, doors closing.

A deep sigh is let out.

“What the hell just happened?” Garrus Vakarian asked himself out loud in the safety of the Main Battery. He felt confused, conflicted and annoyed. He started pacing the room. He stopped in front of the console, contemplating if he should start on those algorithms he was scribbling down during breakfast.

Maybe they would help to clear his head, allow him to think through what just transpired in the Conference Room.  
He started tapping on the console with everything but absolute focus on the algorithms.

_“I'm pathetically in love with you.”_

_Garrus mind went blank, he just stood there, with his hands holding Shepard against the wall, pinning her to it. Shepard started fidgeting under his grasp, trying to get loose, Garrus' reflexes only pushed her harder against the wall._

  
_“Garrus, I...” Shepard started, but she stopped when she raised her head a little and met Garrus gaze._

_They stood there, looking at each other, not talking, and the words Shepard had just exclaimed stood as an invisible wall between them. Garrus did not know what to think, he had actually forgotten how to think._

_Time seemed to be standing still, the only thing to fill the silence between Garrus and Shepard was the low hum for the ship, the buzzing of the computers and the shallow breathes of the two of them._

_What could he say to her? What is the appropriate response to an exclamation like that? “Thank you?”, “No thanks, try again later!” ? What the hell do you say?_

_“Garrus, you need to let go of me.” Shepard's voice brought him back to reality. He let go of her arms and shoulders, Shepard gave him a thankful look._

_“We should probably talk about this” She said, Garrus remained silent._

_“Um, yeah. I know that it is kind of strange for me to say something like that out of, what might seem like, the blue to you. But...”_

_“Did you mean it?” Garrus finally said. She seemed taken aback at the sudden appearance of his voice in the monologue she was starting. She looked at him, trying to find the right response, weighing her words._

_“Yes, I did.” Sherpard said after a while. She was trying to collect herself, to regain some control._

_Garrus could see that she was extremely uncomfortable in this situation. He knew her well enough to know that she didn't like to talk about feelings. She always controlled herself, except when they argued._

_He liked arguing with her, because it was the only time he could read her face because she was too busy yelling at him than controlling her Shepard-mask._

_She looked away for a second and when she turned back, her expression had changed and her body language became more rigid, more military. “Well, what did you think Vakarian? She's a fucking solider.” His inner voice complained._

_“I see.” He finally answered, he started tapping on his thigh with his gloved finger and shifting his weight between his feet._

_“I, uhm, don't really feel the same way Shepard.”_

 

He hadn't been able to look at her, he had found a spot on the wall that he focused on. He had felt, or still felt a need to explain, to justify the lack of feelings, she needed to understand.

But there were no words, there was nothing he could say that would make this easier or better for either of them. She was so alien.  
When he first joined her crew on the SR-1, she had been amazing.

She spent a lot of time getting to know her crew, she looked for feedback from the crew. She had spent time with Tali discussing leadership, wrestling with Wrex and even though she was tougher and harsher in her judgment than anyone he'd ever met (and he was Turian after all), he'd been able to respect her.

The fact that she was human had not bothered him, despite the history that their races shared. She had been a role model to many on the SR-1, but now... Maybe it was something about him, knowing what it was like to lead and realizing that Shepard's tactics had often been questionable.

Even though she got results. Maybe he was just projecting his own failure onto her. Blaming her. Had she been alive, he wouldn't have gone to Omega and they wouldn't have... “Get a grip Vakarian!” His head echoed.

She was different now, there was not much to remind him of the old Shepard behind those dead and sad green eyes. Sometimes the old version of her showed up in one of her smirks or just the way she walked up on the bridge and his heart would fill with hope, that she might once again become someone he could look up to.

But that smirk or the way she rolled her shoulders when she walked would be over as quickly as they appeared and his heart would retreat into its little box and close itself off again. She was different now and not in a good way.

_“I understand.” Shepard looked him straight in the eyes. Probably trying to show him that his previous statement didn't affect her. He knew that it did. She was just trying to be strong, to show him that she needed no one but herself._

_It was Shepard's classic power play. “Play strong and keep your emotions to yourself” he could hear her voice ring in his head. He knew how difficult this situation was for her, how much of her pure stubbornness and pride it took not to leave the room immediately after she uttered the words._

_Although they “might have seemed out of the blue” to him, as she said, he knew they weren't to her. For Shepard to say something like that... meant that her feelings were probably stronger than she let on._

  
_For those words to come out during a fight with him, meant that she was less in control of herself than he had thought. He wanted to talk to her about it, but knew that this was not the place or time and that after this conversation was over, she would probably avoid him._

  
_They were standing by the back wall of the conference room, Shepard had her arms around her back, her hands holding each other, her legs a bit apart and standing with a straight back, this was a common position for the human military, something called... what was is now, Cadance? Canndance? Cindince? Garrus could not for the life of him remember the name of the position._

_But he knew how it should look, and this was not it. Everything except Shepard's eyes and head were correct. The head was supposed to be facing straight forward, preferably with a blank expression, but Shepard's head was lowered and facing the floor, avoiding him. She looked so small to him._

_This larger-than-life person who's friendship had been invaluable for that first year on the Normandy, now looked ashamed, embarrassed. Feelings and emotions he would never associate with Shepard. She would never apologize for what she said, there was no real need to apologize since she hadn't said anything that hurt his feelings. At least not this time._

  
_He observed her, standing there with her head slightly bent, breathing deep breaths as to calm herself down. A few curls of her red hair had fallen down in her neck, he guessed it was because of push into the wall that had messed up the usual neat bun of hair._

_Her cheeks had flushed red at her confession before, were starting to return to their normal color, allowing her freckles to re-emerge. “Humans are so strange,” Garrus thought “what kind of purpose does hair and freckles fill anyway? There are so many different hair colors that it can't be meant for camouflage...” His train of thought continued._

 

He was tapping mindlessly on the console in front of him. What he just couldn't get his mind around was why. Why did she fall in love with him? Of all people? Certainly there had to be other choices, something closer to home for her.

The times they didn't fight were times where she was either sitting in her cabin drinking by herself or stuffed her mouth with food so she couldn't speak. Otherwise they were at each other's throat the rest of the time.

He knew that it was mostly his fault. He couldn't help it, every time she made a decision he felt like it was the opposite of what she would've done two years earlier. He had to question her, to see if she would rethink her strategy become more organized in her way to fight.

Like she was before. He just couldn't understand why she was willing to risk everyone else's life? From what he'd been through, he knew that unnecessary deaths were at the top of his “Things I don't like”-list. They were simply opposites.

Garrus idea of love was not the traditional argument that “opposites attract” but rather that you did have to love the same things in life, share the same values and the same moral compass. Neither of these things fit Shepard and him, they disagreed on everything, except for the need of bad jokes.

If they had been true, well, that was another story... Garrus stopped his thoughts before they wandered into strange territory.

He just couldn't understand how someone managed to fall in love with him? Shepard of all people as well, didn't she have any self-respect? She deserved better than a half-crazy, depressed Turian who only gets people killed.

Garrus was confused, nothing made sense. He couldn't see anything about himself that would attract even a Turian woman. His face was covered in scars and even before he took a missile to the face he hadn't been much of a looker.

The new facial attributes did contribute to the lack of what you might call a sex life. Sure, he'd been cooped up on Omega for two years, but he and the crew did go to Afterlife on a couple of occasions.

Where he'd, to his surprise, been able to charm a Turian woman or two from time to time. He was one of the best snipers within the Turian army and one of the best hand-to-hand specialists, but still.

There wasn't much left to say about him. He was a failed leader, a failed friend and a horrible example of a Turian.  
A silent beep rang from his omni-tool, a new message had appeared in his inbox.

The subject line was “SIDONIS”.

 

* * *

 

The doors hissed as they closed and Shepard was once again alone in the Communications Room. She felt a burning ache building in her chest.

She knew Garrus was outside waiting for the elevator, she'd have to wait until she could escape to the safety of her cabin. Her whole body was trembling, trying to let all the feelings out.

Shepard wouldn't let it, she suppressed all the thoughts running through her head, pushed them into the back of her mind as she waited until she knew Garrus had left the floor. She could feel a few locks that had escaped her bun tickling her neck. She felt like her body was too tight, too constrictive and concurrently she felt empty.

Everything in her field of vision and range of emotions had turned black and white, everything hurt and at the same time she had lost her ability to like anything.

She started to move toward the elevator, crossing her fingers that Garrus had left, otherwise she just had to deal with it. She passed through the Armory, Jacob looked up with a puzzled look on his face as started saying something before Shepard shot him an urgent look not to open his mouth so he remained silent. The CIC was empty except some navigators and Chambers who seemed to be glued to her workstation. Shepard passed them with haste before reaching the elevator. 

Finally alone in her cabin, Shepard let out a deep sigh. She sat down on her couch, and felt her whole body starting to shake as she tried to prevent all the emotions and tears from appearing.

There was nothing she could do, the tears were now streaming down her face and she could feel her whole body shatter into little pieces. “How could I be so stupid?” she thought to herself as the world around her seized to matter.

She felt a snug grip around her heart, slowly gripping it tighter and tighter causing her to be unable to breathe. The pain was overwhelming, causing her to lay down on the couch, hyperventilating.

Her strained breathing filled the quiet room which grew more and more dark. She pressed her now swollen face into the cushions, trying to wipe away the non-stopping tears. “So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken.” She thought as she chipped for air.

“Shepard, I see that your heart rate and pulse are elevated, do you need me to send Dr Chakwas or Dr Solus to your cabin?” EDIs voice beamed out of the speakers.

“I.... am... fine.... EDI” Shepard's strained voice answered.

“Your vital signs indicate otherwise, Commander.”

“EDI, leave... me... alone” Shepard answered through hyperventilation and sobs. Then, everything turned black. 


	10. Don't be Afraid You're Already Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Rape will be a theme in this chapter. If this is not something you're comfortable with, skip this chapter. It will be referenced later on, in future chapters. It fills in some gaps in Shepard's background. 
> 
> Thanks to my wonderful [FannyPzA](http://fannypza.tumblr.com/) for beta:ing once again!
> 
> Enjoy!

**NEW YORK, 2169**

She tried to scream, tried to get someone to come and help her. A hand covered her mouth quickly, and then pushing a sweaty sock into her mouth. She was pushed down on a mattress covered in stains that shifted in color. Her arms were yanked above her, and her wrists tied together. She heard voices murmuring, but couldn't move her head to get a look at the people talking.

A hard smack landed on her left butt cheek, she let out a yelp and winced into the mattress. A hand made it into her hair and lifted up her head, a slick voice whispered:

“You like that, don't you, bitch?” The hand that was holding her pushed her face onto its right side so her left eye could meet the strangers gaze. There was nothing special about him, he looked completely ordinary except something wicked that rested in his eyes. He leaned forward and whispered in her left ear.

“If I take this nasty thing out,” he gestured towards the sock that filled her mouth, “will you be a sweet little thing and behave?” She nodded.

“Good.” He answered. As soon as he'd removed the sock from her mouth, he invaded it with his tongue, letting it caress her teeth, swirling around. Mira thought she was going to throw up. When he finally stopped, his face remained less than an inch from her face, he smiled a wicked smile and said

“I think we're both going to enjoy this.” Mira drew her head back and with all the force she could muster from her position, knocked her forehead against his. He screamed and Mira could feel blood, running down her left eye, disrupting her eye sight.

“That little bitch head butted me! FUUUCK” The man screamed. Mira suspected he was screaming at the other voices in the room. Now that no one was holding her down, she tried to holster herself up on her elbows. Then a heavy body came crashing down on top of her.

“You mess with my friend, you mess with me.” A deep voice hummed in her ear. She felt a hand tugging at her jeans, pulling them off together with her underwear. She screamed, the sock was pushed into her mouth again. A hand was trailing up and down her sex until it stopped at her anus.

Her breathing quickened, not knowing what was going to happen. A searing pain spread through out her body as something was shoved up her anus. She screamed and before she passed out from her own screaming, she could hear several voices laughing and cheering.

Mira wasn't sure of wether or not she was awake. She tried to open her eyes, but the left one was swollen shut. She was on some kind of mattress, that's all she knew. She she heard ragged breaths surrounding her, but they seemed heavy, there was also some snoring.

They must've fallen asleep. She tried to get up on her elbows but her arms were stiff and her whole body seared with pain. “Get up! GET UP!” Her mind roared. “THIS MIGHT BE YOUR ONLY CHANCE GET UP!”. She forced herself onto her elbows and then knees.

She was completely naked. Looking around she saw her tank top and underwear, “That'll have to do”.

Her hands were now untied she finally noticed as she bent down to pick up her underwear. Looking around her room, she counted to five different men, passed out on beanies or the corduroy couch. A anger swelled up within her whole, broken body.

She could feel it taking over, possessing her. She started looking around the large room quietly. After looking through some drawers, she found a large hunting knife. Slowly she walked over to one of the men who had now fallen down to the floor, but was still sound asleep.

Mira got down on her knees and carefully placed the mans head between her thighs, exposing his throat. He still didn't wake up. She put the knife against the mans flesh and slowly dragged it across the throat. His eyes opened when she was halfway across, but he could not scream, he just looked into her eyes until he was bled dry. Mira didn't blink.

She got up and moved to the next man. Then the next. Then the next. Then the next. She let her eyes play over the bodies of the five dead men and a calmness asserted itself within her, they were dead. She wasn't. They were dead because of what they did to her. This, was true justice.

Her body ached. Her hands were trembling. The air smelled clean, she looked around in the dark, a forlorn light blinked in the distance. Tears were streaming down her face without her sobbing or closing her eyes to push them down her cheeks. Flash backs of laughing men, pushing her down and heavy breaths in her ear had surfaced.

She couldn't stay in the alley, she needed to run, run away from everything. The only thing that came to mind was the shelter. The young girl started running with a swollen eye which leaked tears, her body covered in blood and drizzling rain slowly drenching the little clothes she had on.

 

 

* * *

 

Shepard's eyes sprung open. She heard beeps and someone singing quietly. She turned her head and saw Mordin bent over something at one of the desks. She guessed she was in the medbay.

“Ahh, Shepard. Good. You're awake.” Mording said without looking at her.

“How'd you know?” Shepard answered with a hoarse voice.

“Your heartbeat went down. It was very elevated just a minute ago. And you just spoke.” Shepard tried to smile, but they dreams were still haunting her subconscious, reminding her of the past.

“Where's Chakwas?” She tried to get into a sitting postion.

“No no no no! Stay down. Need to rest,” Mordin now rished over to her bed hand forced her down on her back again. “Chakwas. Hm. Ah! She went to dinner.” He said after Shepard agreed to continue laying down in bed.

“Shepard, EDI reported of elevated vital signs before you fainted. Also something about raised voices in the conference room minutes before.”

“Mordin, I.. don't want to talk about that.”

“Not asking. Just stating facts.” Mordin met her gaze. “Suggest you find some sort of stress release or don't stress” He continued.

“Mordin, that's probably the worst advice I've ever heard. Just being on this mission is stressful.”

“Then find a stress release.” He stated simply.

“Like what?”

“Sparring, sexual activities, some sort of hobby. Records indicate that beekeeping is a popular hobby for humans, or knitting, maybe get a pet! Possibilities are endless.”

“Considering the Collector swarms, beekeeping might be the last thing I'd want as a hobby.” Shepard huffed.

“Sexual activity then. Can provide a list of willing crew members. Or I can refer to well-known establishments on the Citadel.”

“Mordin, I'm not intrested in that.”

“Feelings for Vakarian prevent sexual activities with others. Interesting.”

“You, ehm, what? How do you know?”

“Hormones.”

“Ah.” Shepard couldn't help but smiling. But then it dawned on her, the reason she was in the medbay. And ache appeared in her chest once more, causing her breaths to become more strained. 

“Shepard, calm down. Vital signs rising again. Indicates high stress level.”

“I'm sorry Mordin. But I need to get back to my cabin.”

“Sorry Shepard. Can't let you do that."

“Mordin, get out of my way, that's an order” Shepard tried staring him down, tried every trick she knew in the book, but the Salarian wouldn't budge. He just looked at her with his large black eyes, not moving an inch.

“Shepard, emotional dilemma causes increase in stress levels in humans. Do... you want to talk about it?” Mordin offered.

“No.” Mordin patted her on the shoulder, and continued to meet her eyes.

“It's only increased levels of serotonin. It'll pass.”

“Thanks, Mordin.” Shepard muttered. Somehow she knew it wouldn't. Her feelings for Garrus could not be explained by chemistry. They were simply more than basic hormones or chemistry.


	11. The Unspeakable Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of canon divergence in this chapter. 
> 
> I'll try to be better at updating, but right now it might follow the current schedule of every other weekend for a while. 
> 
> Thanks to [ FannyPzA ](http://www.fannypza.tumblr.com)
> 
> Enjoy!

Garrus read the message on his omni-tool. Sidonis had been spotted at the Citadel. He'd apparently been in contact with someone called “Fade”. Why couldn't people get decent nicknames for them selves? “Fade” sounded like a two-timing pimp who didn't know left from right. Archangel was just as bad, so pretentious. Granted, Garrus hadn't given himself the name, rather it was a small human faction within the Blue Suns who'd come up with it. Now, when Omega and all that had happened there was _almost_ behind him, the name had started to grow on him.

 

He needed to speak with Shepard. How the hell do you approach the subject on needing help to someone who just admitted to love you and you turning them down? Sure, he wasn't some crazy player who'd turned women down everyday and he didn't expect it to affect Shepard much. After all she was a grown woman. In Turian society being turned down by a potential partner was nothing more than a shrug and a few drinks couldn't fix. She'd be fine by tomorrow and they would move on and continue their extensive bickering.

 

She must be fine. She's been through so much, surely a little heartbreak wouldn't affect her? “Shit what am I thinking? Heartbreak? Like I could break Shepard's heart” Garrus thought to himself. Still, he needed to talk to her. Ask her if they could go to the Citadel for a few days to look up this lead that he'd received. But how do you approach the subject? “Get it together Vakarian! Just find her and start talking, just spit it out!” His brain roared. He opened the door to the main battery and started walking down the long hall, counting his steps to occupy his mind. His head drifted to the left when he heard voices and saw Shepard lying down on one of the Med Bay beds, and Mordin speaking to her. Suddenly Shepard's cheeks shifted color to a light pink. “Wondrous thing, the human physiology, so strange.” Garrus reflected.

 

Garrus remained in the mess hall, unsure what to do. Should he wait until Shepard left the med bay or just send her a message and ask her to come down to see him? Both alternatives seemed to be riddled with uncomfortable conversation and pauses. He had to decide. Did he want Shepard's help or not?

 

“Garrus?” Shepard quivering voice echoed in the Mess Hall where several crew members were eating and ignoring Garrus standing in the middle of the room. She was standing right outside of the Med Bays doors, arms crossed over her chest with her hands caressing her elbows as if she were cold. “I could keep her warm” flashed through his head. “What the hell was that? Once again Vakarian, get a fucking grip.” His inner voice echoed. Confused by his own thoughts, he realized he hadn't answered her yet.

“Errr, Shepard. Hi.”

“Hi?”

“Erm, Are you alright? Saw you in the Med Bay with Mordin”

“SHEPARD! HEART RATE!” Mordin's voice rang out in the Mess Hall.

“Yeah yeah, Mordin!” Shepard yelled back, “Yeah, I'm fine” She said looking back at Garrus, the light shade of pink crept up her throat and spread across her cheeks once more.

“You're sure? That, erm, pinkish shade doesn't look to healthy... maybe you should get Mordin to check you out again?” Shepards hands flew to her cheeks andwhen she could feel the warmth beneath her fingers the pink deepened in color.

“This? This is nothing, just a reaction to... erm...”

“It's is a common reaction in Humans that their heart rate increase when they are near someone who interests them sexually.” Mordin intervened from the still open Med Bay doors. “The skin color varies in shades depending on embarrassment, it is a natural reaction. Completely normal”.

“Thanks for the education in my own physiology Mordin” Shepard sneered.

“Happy to help!” The Salarian answered and started walking to the elevator. The crew members in the Mess Hall had stopped talking and were listening intently on Shepards and Garrus conversation.

“Erm, Shepard, I guess this is a bad time to ask if we could talk privately?”

“Yeah, but who the fuck cares? But I have to say your timing is way off, Vakarian” Shepard grunted although smirking a little and started walking to the main battery.

 

When Shepard saw Garrus out in the mess hall, she thought she would die, right then and there. She could almost feel her heart breaking once more, piece by piece it was falling apart, turning into millions and millions of atoms. At the same time Shepard could feel her heart being crushed inside her chest, causing her breathing to become more shallow, since every deep breath felt like a thousand needles slowing puncturing her lungs with each inhale. She hadn't been expecting to see him out in the Mess Hall when she was leaving the Med Bay. But what did she think really? He lived only 20 feet away, the probability of running into him when leaving for her cabin, was pretty high. Oh, shit. It was so embarrassing, with Mordin yelling, Garrus unsure gaze and the crew members just staring at her. She wanted to laugh it off, but then realized that she'd better just straighten up and not give a damn, it couldn't get any worse than this right?

 

* * *

 

“You're in my shot, move to the side” Shepard stepped aside expecting a shot to hit Sidonis between the eyes, but nothing happened. Sidonis started backing up and walking away, and no shot came. Shepard saw the scared and back-stabbing turian run for his life. Shepard could hear Garrus breathing over the comm.

“Garrus? What happened? You want me to run after him?”

Silence.

“Garrus?”

Silence.

“For fucks sake Garrus, he's getting away! Do you want me to chase him down or not?”

“I'll see you at the shuttle Shepard.” Came Garrus' quiet reply.

“What? What about making Sidonis pay for what he did to your crew?”

“I'll see you at the shuttle.” Garrus snapped and turned off his comm.

 

Back at the shuttle Shepard tried to talk to Garrus again, but he just ignored her and drove the shuttle back to the Normandy, where he stormed off. Shepard couldn't understand where she'd gone wrong or why he was upset. He'd beat up Harkin, or otherwise known as Fade, and honestly Shepard though he should've done more of a thorough job since Harkin was such a misogynistic bastard. Once they've located Sidonis, Garrus found a suitable spot to hide with his sniper rifle, Shepard's assignment was to distract Sidonis until Garrus had lined up the shot. Why wouldn't he take the shot? What made him change his mind? Why would he ask her to step to the side if he didn't want her to?

 

* * *

 

Sitting in her cabin, alone, Shepard contemplated the last mission. Trying to figure out what had happened, what she'd said to make him so angry. She loved Garrus. She loved him almost too much. Knowing that he didn't love her back was devastating but she knew she'd never give up on him. In her head, they belonged together, there wasn't any doubt. She was unfamiliar with the feelings that came with “love”. Shepard was a broken woman, she enjoyed killing (maybe a little bit too much, to be honest), and she was known to be cold hearted and calculating. She was fine with all the nicknames and descriptions of her circulating the Alliance. “Let them think what they want” had always been her motto, but maybe her attitude was coming back to haut her... or maybe not. If there was anyone who could handle a nutcase like her, it was Garrus. She would never give up. He would be _hers_.

 

Shepard heard a faint knock on her cabin doors, she pressed the open button on her omni-tool and in stepped Garrus.

“Are you ready to talk now?” Shepard said.

“Yes.”

“Fine. So talk.” Garrus remained silent. Unsure of where to begin, should he start discussing the mission or what she had told him two nights before? Should he tell her that he couldn't stop thinking of the way she sighed “ _I'm pathetically in love with you”?_ “Focus, Vakarian!” rang in his head.

“Fine, if you won't start, I will,” Shepard's voice woke him up “I want to know what the hell happened down there?! Why would you ask me to step aside if you weren't going to take the shot?”

“Shepard, I...”

“Tell me, Garrus!” Shepard growled. She could feel anger flaring out in her finger tips, ready to lash out, but she needed to control herself. She wasn't angry _per se_ but she was confused, she needed answers. Garrus looked at her with fidgeting eyes and his finger started tapping against his thigh once more. “Such a strange thing, the tapping.” Shepard thought to herself.

“Fine,” he sighed “I just... expected more out of you, Shepard.” The words coming out of Garrus mouth weren't something Shepard was prepared for, they stung.

“Expected more out of me? What the hell do you mean?” She spat out.

“I thought you were better than this.”

“Better than what? Helping you? Going with you to find Fade and Sidonis?” Her thoughts were swimming around in her head, not helping her focusing on the conversation at hand. Shepard felt wounded, her gut-feeling had been right, she'd done something wrong, it was her fault he'd been upset. The feeling of causing Garrus agony, or potentially hurting his feeling was worse than being punched by a Vorcha.

“Better than revenge! Better than this!” Garrus snarled, gesturing towards her.

“You expected me to be better than myself? This is who I am, Garrus. I can't be better than this!”

“Of course you can! You could be more compassionate, more caring, MORE EVERYTHING!” He yelled.

“I'm sorry, Garrus. But this is me, this is what you get! If you don't like it, you'd better leave!” Shepard regretted the words the minute they left her mouth. Garrus just stared at her, finally out of words.

“I can't be something I'm not, Garrus. I'm violent, aggressive, stupidly fierce and crazy. I, just can't be what you want me to become. No matter how much I want you to...”

“To what?” Garrus tilted his head, his angry expression softened somewhat.

“To love me.” Shepard sighed. 

“Shepard, I can't. I don't think I ever will.” Garrus stammered, not believing his words entirely. Shepard looked at him with such sadness in her eyes, he stretched out a hand in order to place it on her shoulder as a sign of comfort, but stopped midway before letting the arm fall back against his side. It didn't go unnoticed by Shepard.

“Are you sure?” She said finally, looking at him with her large green eyes, pleading with his soul to relent.

“I am...” Garrus didn't get to finnish his sentence before Shepard pushed him against the wall, put her hand on his neck, forcing his head down and put her lips against his mouth plates. There was nothing familiar about the soft squishy lips against his mouth, this was apparently a human custom which Garrus knew nothing about. But something within him stirred, lightning a fire and he felt himself giving in. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe I should explain my own personal head canon here.
> 
> In my head Garrus is more of a paragon than my Shepard. He wants to save as many as possible and this conflicts with my Shepard's attitde where revenge is sweet and necessary to get over a major trauma. She is not evil by any means, but she is so shaken by the events in her youth that she equates revenge with healing. That is why she was willing to let Garrus shoot Sidonis, she wanted him to heal not realizing that he might not work the same way as she does. Letting him take the shot was an act of caring for Garrus' well being, although he doesn't see it that way.
> 
> Hope that clears some stuff up for you guys!


	12. Thirst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I apologise for the late update. As many other writers I have finals coming up, but now I took some time off to write this. I'll probably be able to update at least two times more over the Holidays. 
> 
> Thanks to my lovely [ Fanny PzA ](http://fannypza.tumblr.com/) for betaing again!

Shepard pulled away from Garrus. What had gotten into her? Why would she kiss Garrus? She knew why. Shepard was hoping that he would change his mind. In all the fairytales she’d grown up with there would be this… magical moment or action that would change the story’s directive. She found in her anger that she desperately wanted Garrus to change his mind. That’s why she kissed him, She wanted him to feel nervous everytime she entered a room and she wanted him to be weak in his knees when she looked at him. She wished that he would be just as miserable as she was. Now that she pulled away from him, she realised that she’d made a mistake. Garrus was standing against the wall, looking surprised and baffled. His arms hung by his sides and as soon as Shepard moved away from him, he kept his neck bowed down, looking at the floor.

“Garrus, I.. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Believe me, I know there’s nothing worse than having someone forcing themselves on you…” Shepard began, feeling overwhelmed by shame. She should’ve known, she should’ve thought. She of all people knew how horrible is was to be forced, to feel powerless. In this moment she’d removed Garrus’ autonomy by attacking him. The sudden realisation of all the “should’ve’s” dawned on her. Her cheeks flushed red, and nothing she thought of to say felt right. Instead she fixed her eyes on Garrus, waiting for a reaction. Nothing happened. He just stood there, staring into the floor. Shepard fidgeted with her hands, feeling insecure and turned down once more.

#

“Calm down, calm down” the mantra kept repeating itself in Garrus’ head. He was trying to sort out all the conflicting feelings that were boiling inside of him. He felt confused, angry, aroused, disgusted and happy at the same time. Confused since his body reacted so strongly to Shepard’s touch, angry because she refused to listen to him, he felt disgusted with himself for enjoying the kiss and his conscious roared with all the horrible thing humanity had done to Turians during the First Contact War. The arousal was, surprising to say the least. Nothing about Shepard’s looks appealed to him, still he could feel his cock twitching inside it’s sheath.

He didn’t know what to do. He could hear Shepard’s voice, but he was not registering what she was saying. His consciousness and his body were at war and he couldn’t think straight. Garrus didn’t know if his body was reacting this strongly to Shepard just because it’d been more than three months since he got laid or if he was attracted to her but just hadn’t realised it until now. His conscious was telling him that if he followed through with this, he’d be shunned by his family and the Turian society. Sleeping with the enemy would not help his position within the Hierarchy or with his relationship to his father. Garrus’ thoughts came to a stop and only one thing rang in his head as he started to approach Shepard:

“After all, I’ve never been a good Turian.”

#

Shepard was watching Garrus intently, waiting for a reaction. She didn’t know where to begin. Should she just leave him in her cabin and flee down to the Cargo Hold or Engineering? In her peripheral vision, she saw something moving. Garrus had raised his head and was now watching her. He looked determined and hungry and at the same time defiant. She met his gaze and his mandibles flared, suddenly he was in front of her, pushing her against the aquarium.

Shepard was unsure of what was happening until she realised that Garrus was squeezing her ass. She pushed her groin against him in response. His hands started travelling over her lower back, lightly dragging the tips of his talons against the fabric of her uniform sending chills down to her core. Shepard looked up into Garrus’ eyes, searching for an answer. What was going on, why was he pressing himself against her? His blue eyes were warm and welcoming, but no answer rested in them.

“Garrus, what are you doing?” Shepard whispered.

His hands travelled back to her ass, giving it a thorough squeeze.

“I’m touching your ass, Shepard.” Garrus murmured as he bent down and started nipping along her jaw line.

“Yeah, I can feel that. I’m just wondering why. “ Shepard groaned, feeling herself on the verge of not caring about the whys if he was going to keep this up.

“Stop talking, Shepard” he answered and licked along her throat as he bent down to lift her.

He hoisted her up, so her legs were resting on his hips and pushed her even harder against the aquarium. With one hand, he locked her hands above her against the glass and with the other he ripped open the upper half of her Cerberus uniform. Shepard’s breath hitched and she tried to pull him even closer with her legs. Garrus dragged his free hand over her sports bra and the exposed skin of her stomach. Shepard’s skin prickled. Garrus hummed appreciatively and felt his cock growing harder within its sheath. Shepard felt the need to touch him, explore him so she unhooked her legs behind his back and placed her feet at his hips and pushed him away. When he stumbled back a bit he let go of her hands and she was now standing on the floor, a few inches away from him. Garrus looked confused, trying to understand why she’d pushed him away when Shepard took the few steps needed to close the distance between them and led him to the bed where she forced him down on his back.

#

Garrus looked up at Shepard who was standing at the end of the bed, smiling. She looked so much healthier now, her eyes were warm and hungry and her skin had a glow to it he’d never seen before. Then, she leaped into the bed, agile as a lion. Straddling him, Shepard started unclasping his armour with nimble fingers. Piece after piece flew to the floor with a heavy thunk. Her eye widened as she saw his upper body bare. The tough skin of his plates had a supple feel to them and a humble metallic sheen which was reminiscent of granite stone. Shepard’s hands glided over his chest plates and Garrus raised his hands to her hips and started stroking them with his thumbs. Her fixation on his chest was rather amusing, Garrus had never been with a woman who had found his chest so appealing. By Turian standards there was nothing special about it other than the light grey colour, which was something viewed as unusual.

Shepard bent down and put her lips against his mouth plates, once again Garrus was caught off guard by how much this gesture aroused him. This time, she scoped her arms around his neck and pulled him back up with her. They sat like this for a while, letting their mouths explore each other, and hands slowly caressing hips and neck. Shepard broke off the kiss and scooted down his legs a little, putting some distance between the two of them. She met his gaze with steady eyes and let her hand travel down to his sheath. She put a light pressure on the sensitive skin there and started stroking it, still looking him directly in the eyes, refusing to break eye contact. Garrus could feel his chest rumble and some unexpected purring noises made it out of his mouth. Shepard’s lips turned up in a smile when she heard his appreciative sounds. She increased the pressure and Garrus could feel his heart rate increase and his cock steadily growing harder and harder inside of him. He didn’t know how much longer he could stay inside his sheath.

#

Shepard bent down between Garrus legs, still holding his gaze which was hungry and curious as to what she was planning to do next. She let her tongue slide over his sheath and Garrus let out a low growl. Shepard let her tongue slip inside him, and gently stroke the tip of his cock that was on the verge of coming out. Garrus’ hissed at the sensation of having Shepard’s wet mouth massaging the opening of his sheath. Shepard could feel Garrus right leg twitching and suddenly his length emerged from its protective environment. She broke eye contact to admire his cock. It was thick at the base and seemed a bit slimmer at the top. Had Shepard not watched so much Turian porn, she would’ve been terrified of its blue colour, now she noticed that Garrus cock matched his eyes. She lifted her gaze to those blue piercing eyes once more and flashed a smile before she enfolded him with her mouth.

She could hear him sigh and moan as she let her tongue travel up and down in a slow agonising pace. Her hands settled on his waist and gave it an aggressive squeeze. Garrus let out a deep growl and she could feel him twitching in her mouth. She kept a steady pace and repeated the pattern of stroking him with her mouth and tongue and then squeezing his waist. Garrus responded the same way each time. Shepard could feel a pounding sensation building between her thighs, her underwear was already soaking wet. Somewhere inside of her head, she told herself to keep going, to keep teasing Garrus because this might be her only chance to convince him of her. “Give him all of you, show him all the tricks because this might be the only and last time you get to have him naked in your bed”. Shepard moved her hands from his waist to the base of his dick and held it between them. As her lips sucked at the top of his cock, her hands moved up and down his length with a tight and steady grip. Garrus was clutching the sheets of her bed, moaning loudly and trying to catch his breath.

“Shepard… ah… I… mmm, can’t… hold…” Shepard removed her lips from his tip and put them against his mouth instead.

“I want you to come, Garrus. Preferably all over my tits.” She sighed between kisses.

Her hands continued stroking him and he moaned into her mouth.

“Then maybe we should make sure you’re more undressed, hm?” Garrus whispered.

Shepard now realised she was still dressed, the upper half of her uniform was ripped open but her breast were still in the confinement of her sports bra and not one button was unbuttoned on her pants. Garrus saw his chance and grabbed Shepard by the waist and flipped her so she was on her back and he was hoovering above her. The next movements were fast, Shepard pulled off her jacket and her bra, Garrus pulled off her pants and underwear in one smooth motion and suddenly, she was completely naked before him.

#

“Not bad, Shepard” Garrus murmured appreciatively but before he could let his hand travel up her thigh and experience her wetness, Shepard escaped and flipped them once more, giving herself the upper hand. Garrus laugh as he fell down on his back. The laugh turned into a loud moan as he felt Shepard’s mouth once more around his cock. This time, she didn’t go slow, she even used her blunt teeth and dragged them along his length. Garrus could feel the pressure building in him, he was so close. Shepard must’ve understood what was happening because she pulled him up to a standing position and placed herself on the floor and continued working his length until she was rewarded with a loud groan and Garrus seed exploding from his cock all over her bare chest. Garrus knees gave in and he fell back onto the bed, he could hear Shepard laughing as she crawled over the bed to him. She gave him a delirious smile as she bent down to kiss him, smearing his seed all over his chest as well. Garrus chuckled as he started trailing his hands along Shepard’s sides and she let out a surprised gasp.

“Now, let’s see if I can take care of you” he said and moved his hands to her firm ass and gave it a squeeze.

“You really needn’t bother, Garrus.” Shepard whispered.

“Of course I do. Can’t have you walking around with all this sexual frustration in your body, now can we?”

“Guess not…” Shepard whimpered as one of Garrus talons brushed over her cunt.

Garrus laid Shepard down on her back before he sat down on his knees, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of his spurs poking his thighs. Slowly he started dragging his tongue from her ankle, over her calf, her thigh and stopping right before he reached her centre. He repeated the pattern along her other leg. Shepard hissed, trying to wiggle her hips and making him understand that she wanted him there, touching her cunt with his tongue. Garrus ignored her moving hips and continued teasing her by licking the insides of her thighs. He let his tongue travel from the top of her vulva to her navel, obviously avoiding any part of her that were filled with nerve endings.

“Garrus, please” Shepard sobbed.

Then he dragged his tongue from her opening up to her clit on one swift motion. She groaned. He did it once more and she bucked her hips, trying to push her clit into his mouth. Shepard could feel Garrus cock growing hard once again and twitching against her leg. She smiled between her moans, wondering what it might feel like to have him inside of her. Garrus let his rough tongue circle her and she gasped as he parted her outer lips to be able to lick her better. Shepard squirmed beneath him, her breath was ragged and she was talking incoherently. Garrus inserted a finger inside of her and Shepard screamed. She tried to meet the thrusts of his finger but he could tell she was getting close to her climax. Her heaving chest glistened with sweat and his come all mixed up in one. It was incredibly arousing seeing his seed mixed with her sweat on her bouncing breasts. His cock was hard again, pulsating with need. Garrus quickly removed his finger from Shepard’s wetness and before she could start whimpering about the missing sensation he slowly started pushing his cock inside of her. He added it inch by inch, giving her some time to adjust. Once he was fully inside of her, Garrus drew a blank, he was overtaken by how amazing she felt and how her inner muscles contracted around him, giving his cock what seemed and felt to be tight, although wet, hugs.

Shepard noticed Garrus was just holding himself inside of her, not moving. She was desperate to know what the friction of his cock and her walls would be like and since he seemed to be somewhat in shock, she took the opportunity to turn them around so she straddled him. In this position he came even deeper into her, and she let out a purr before starting to flex her hips and rocking back and forth. Garrus gasped and closed his eyes, revelling in her warmth and the feel of a soft body moving against his hard and sharp one. Shepard brought Garrus up to a sitting position, allowing her to put her forehead against his as she continued to ride his dick. “She obviously doesn’t know what that gesture means” Garrus thought before pushing it away and focusing on Shepard. He let his hand travel down her front looking for her sensitive clit, when he found it he started rubbing it in circles. Shepard moaned loudly and picked up the pace, feeling the pressure inside her building as she rocked against Garrus.

“Fuck…” She sighed.

“I know.” Garrus answered.

“No, it’s not that… I’m starting to cramp up. Think we could switch position?” She breathed.

Garrus didn’t answer, he just lifted her of him and laid her down the bed, face down. He closed her legs, making sure she was straight as an arrow. Then he placed his legs on either side of her before bending down, pushing his chest against her back, breathing heavily against her neck as he entered her. With her legs closed this way she was even tighter than before. As he started moving within her, Shepard’s moaning became more loud since at this angle Garrus hit that sweet spot within her, making her scream and squirm with pleasure. Garrus picked up the pace and Shepard pushed herself up against him meeting his thrusts. Garrus nipped at her neck and dragged his talons along her arms as he pushed himself in and out of her.

“Is this better?” He whispered with a smirk, knowing full well that he’d done and how it was affecting her.

“Oh, fuck yes” She hissed.

Garrus pulled her hair exposing her neck so he could lick it. Shepard felt the pressure reaching its limit and she screamed loudly as she came pulling Garrus with her as her inner walls contracted in intervals around him, forcing him to relent and spill himself in her. He collapsed on top of her, both of them breathing heavily. Their sweat was mixed and none of them seemed to be able to move or want to. After a while Garrus slid out of Shepard and she finally realised what had happened.

She just slept with Garrus Vakarian. Now what?

**Author's Note:**

> My first Shakarian Fanfic, be kind.


End file.
